I happily co-parent with the Frenchman. Do I think this is a fair 50/50 ? Absolutely not. Does he do parenting to my standards? 100% not. Am I incredibly grateful that he is there to co-parent with me in his own style. One thousand percent, YES !
Warning: This is not a woke post. I am not trying to appeal to a certain demographic or new wave of thought. For an alpha female working mother, I am quite traditional. It was how I was raised. But here’s where I differ from the old school way of thinking and from my parents’ generation – who both worked. I clearly see what my husband brings to the table. I am both grateful for the insight and proud of him. His parenting of our children is 100% present. He is the most phenomenal cook and creates artistry out of really random ingredients in the fridge. [I find cooking tedious, so knowing this is taken care of, feels like an enormous weight has been lifted.] He will spend hours in the garden playing ball with our two daughters or finding the perfect birthday gift to make them happy. He will check to see why we are paying £X for our energy bills (a faff I cannot be bothered with). Or want to know which schools we need to visit for the right next step for the children. He’ll spend hours designing and planning the perfect summer road-trip that meets everybody’s (one of the mini humans is a selective eater) needs. His intentions are mainly family central….except when he’s out playing rugby (which as a release mechanism from a house full of oestrogen, is a pretty healthy one.) So it mildly irritates me when I hear moaning about people’s partners. Of course men and women don’t parent the same way. We know this.
The Science-y bit : Somewhat fascinatingly, whilst researching for this post, I came across a really interesting article from Psychology Today [2008] Why Are Mothers Better Parents Than Fathers. [A possibly trigger-inducing title !] In summary, the author concludes that there are two evolutionary reasons for this:
- Babies are more important to the mother as there is ABSOLUTE certainty of maternity (who the mother is). Whereas fathers will always have paternity uncertainty.
- The paternal fitness ceiling: which means that men can potentially have significantly more babies than a woman can (thousands vs tens). So, with a limited amount of children available to her, each one is more precious.
I can see the logic in these findings, and strangely it does give me comfort to think there is a reason why women naturally aim for 100%. [Perhaps the title of the article would have been more apt if it were How to Explain the Maternal Instinct.] But it feels like things have changed. Even since the article was written in 2008, more and more the father’s role in today’s society has shifted, as has the mother’s. I know that in my desire for 100% perfection, the Just Good Enough approach works perfectly for me when I am juggling everything. I know I can shout out to him: I need help with… [picking up children because I have a late meeting that day, OR, there’s too much going on – I’m feeling overwhelmed – and he steps in].
Men and women communicate differently. But this is more recognised nowadays and understood now to the extent that communication between partners has moved forwards. The Frenchman has said to me: If you want me to do something then you need to give me clear instruction [subtext: and not assume that the unsaid stuff will get done]. Parenting has changed. It has evolved. It has nudged forwards. And is he perfect? NO. Am I perfect? NO. Together we are Just Good Enough and that’s all we, and our children, need in the working parent situation.
My question to you is: Can you see the value that your partner brings to the table? If there are specific niggles that he/she could really help with, then don’t fester. Ask them to help out (and be specific !!). It takes a village to raise children and be a working parent. Don’t think you have to do it all perfectly – just good enough will get the job done too. Ask for help. Xx
P.S. And….does the Frenchman think that there is a shoe fairy who magically knows when his children need new school shoes? LOL – YES !
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