This feels like a VERY loaded topic. If anything is going to trigger emotions, then this is it.
Questions that spring to mind are:
Is there a line where you cease being you and become Mummy? How do you switch between the two? Without psychologically damaging you or the child ? I jest not.
And how do you know when it is ok to be just you, awesomely, fabulous you, and NOT want to do the parenting thing for five minutes ? [caveat: this is assuming that you have ensured the BIG THREE – your child is SAFE, LOVED and FED obviously !).
There are times when you just need to meet that deadline, or you need to be in work mode and not in checking homework mode. I love my job, I feel alive when I am doing my job. Yes, my children come first, but when is it ok for me to come first and NOT FEEL GUILTY about it ? [Actually, this happens twice a year when we go see the mother-in-law in Bordeaux – bless that woman. My children literally arrive at her house and forget who I am for a week – LOL !!!]
[CAVEAT: The whole of this point of view is from someone who lives in a capital city with no immediate family around, so the gorgeous mini-humans are entirely in our (the Frenchman and I) sphere.]
And what to do when they ask the killer question: Will you play with me ? (!!) Aaargh. Child psychologists would probably say [full disclosure, I heard this on Instagram, so I claim no genuine authority source in this one!] that the child is reaching out, as it is trying to connect or is lonely. My immediate (brutal – too harsh?) thought is, I love you but, I’d rather sever a limb than play unicorn monopoly… one …more….fudging …. time. Yes, feel free to judge me. HOWEVER, what I do to ensure I have quality time with my mini humans is do it on my terms. So, I make sure that I playdate schedule the bajeezus out of them, so they get the child-like dopamine necessary doses. Then I make sure they are fully included in my life, whether that is coming for coffee with me (we do the crossword together, we’ll draw, we’ll discuss debate topics that have appeared in The Week Junior), or involving them in my workday, planning the year ahead and what events they want to go. They are fully embedded into my life. Am I overcompensating because we don’t have immediate family around? Maybe, but we are actively connecting constantly.
Truth is, there is no right or wrong answer to any of this. I am far from perfect, but I know I do everything to make sure that I have the met the BIG THREE. But there are times when I just need to be me too and not in entertainment mode [I am fairly sure my parents were never in entertainment mode and I do not feel lost, abandoned or neglected in any way (!)]. So why do I feel so much guilt if the mini humans want to play with me and I just want 5 minutes to myself.
I asked the Aristo-Chic women’s network globally and their advice was:
- Find your YOU time. I find it in my car once I have done the school drop off.
- I make lots of playdates with them for their friends.
- I look at the 12-month calendar and book in Arts and Craft activities around all the major holidays, Xmas, Halloween, Easter etc.
- We have lots of weekend lunches with family friends who have children – so we get adult company and they can mingle with other mini-humans.
Whatever your situation, just remember that you are doing your best. And that is good enough. Xx
Aristo-Chic Working SuperMum Café 